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Dick Jokes

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The Dick Joke
High art... from a low place.

Doctor's Recommendation

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A doctor is meeting with a husband after examining his wife. The doctor tells him: "Your wife's diagnosis is uncertain. She either has Aids or she has Alzheimers."

The husband asks: "What should I do, doc?"

The doctor advises him: "Drive her five miles outside of town and drop her off. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

Question About A Blonde

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Why was the blonde's belly button red and hurting after sex?

Her boyfriend was also blonde.

Advice From Dad

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Guy catches his son jerking off: "Son don't do that, you'll go blind."

Son shouts back "Pop, I'm over here."

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No Monkey Business

A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.

He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid."

The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her, comes over to her to console her.

He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."

By Any Other Name

What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Justin!

What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

Phil!

At Least Take A Lunch Break

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. "Would you maybe like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "It’s this Viagra," he says, "It’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It’s this Viagra," he says, "it’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She tells hum "I’ll go to the store and buy you whatever you want. Maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe a pizza or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?" And once again he declines. "It’s this Viagra," he says, "it’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I’m fuckin' starving."