A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Dick's Joke of the Day

Why Santa Doesn't Have Children

Why doesn't Santa have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

A Man's Man

What would you call a guy who jerks off during an earthquake?

Focused.

The Billing Rules

Why does the bar association forbid lawyers & clients from having sex?

To prevent them from billing twice for essentially the same service.

Who's Your BFF?

One night my wife tried to get a rise out of me and make me jealous. She asked: "Honey, what would you say if I was having sex with your best friend?"

I told her: "I'd say you're a lesbian!"

And that's when the fight started...

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What's Your Favorite Drink Recipe?

If Gin makes you grin and Whiskey makes you frisky, what makes you pregnant?

Two highballs and a squirt.

Black Listed

Three couples, one older, one middle-aged and one newlywed want to join a church club. So they go down to the church to meet with the pastor who is responsible for screening couples before they join. After the pastor tells them about all the benefits of joining, he explains that in order to qualify, they must refrain from having sex for one month. If they fail they would not be approved for membership. The three couples each agree and head on home.

A month later, the three couples return and and sit down again with the pastor. He asks the older couple if they had abstained from having sex. The older couple replied, "Oh yeah, no problem." and they are allowed to join.

Next the middle-aged couple were asked the same question and their reply was the same. So they too were approved for membership.

Finally the pastor asked the newlyweds the same question and the husband responded: "Well, it went great for a couple of weeks. But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on a shelf and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just couldn't stand it. That's when I said the hell with it and screwed her right there."

The pastor was shocked but said: "You realize that now you won't be allowed into the club."

The husband replied: "Oh that's okay, we're not allowed back into Safeway either!"

Cannibal Culinary Habits

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?

They're too bitter.