Mowing The Lawn

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the bike, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."

And that's when the fight started...

That's Pretty Tight!

A priest gets a flat tire fixed.

As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest says to the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight?"

The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's cunt."

The priest says, "You better give them another turn."

Been There Done That

A guy asks his drinkin' buddy if he had any suggestions on how to spice up a dull marriage. His buddy tells him "Well, you can always have an affair."

"I can't possibly do that! I would never cheat on her." he replies. So his buddy tells him "Look, if you convince her to let you do it, it won't be cheating." The guy thinks sure, that could work. And so he heads home, and finding his wife in the perfect mood, he springs the idea on her that maybe a new partner would add some excitement.

"Honey," his wife says, "that won't help our marriage. Believe me, I already tried it."

 

20/20 Is More Than Plenty

I told my wife: "Honey, I don't like how you look with the new glasses on." She said: "Sweetheart, I don't wear any glasses."

I said: "Yeah, but I do."

And that's when the fight started...