Toilet seat falls on kid's dick, runs to mom: Kiss it, make it better.
Mom: Every day more like your dad.
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He says, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jesus, honey...remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with the frying pan again.
He says, "What was that for?" She says, "Your horse called."
My wife sidled up to me last night and asked: "Would you like a little pussy?"
I said: "I sure would, 'cause yours is as big as a house!"
And that's when the fight started...