Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest & a pilot are in a plane that's about to crash.
The pilot says: "Well, we only have three parachutes, let's give them to the three Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them."
The lawyer says: "Fuck the Boy Scouts!"
The priest says: "Do we have time?"
What's the first thing a man would do if there were no women left on earth?
Invent a dishwasher that would suck his dick.
Easy, inexpensive way to get rid of weeds: Put 2 cups of Epsom salt and a 1/4 cup of dish soap in a gallon of vinegar. Shake well.
Then tell your family you're going to mix it in their food if they don't get off their lazy asses and go outside and yank up the goddamned crabgrass.
I told my wife I was so pleased she treated me like a God. She looked at me and asked, "What do you mean?"
I told her, "Every evening at dinner you give me a burnt offering."
And that's when the fight started...