A drunk calls the police, and says, "They stole my dashboard, they stole my steering wheel, they stole my brake pedal, they even stole my gas pedal..."
Then, before the cops can ask where he is, he says, "Hey, never mind, I'm in the back seat."
How do you know if your wife's dead?
You stick your dick in her mouth and she doesn't turn her head.
How do you turn a fox into a cow?
Marry her.
One night I came home a little late and very drunk. There was my wife standing there holding a broom
Thinking fast (maybe too fast) I said: "Are you still cleaning or are you going for a ride?"
And that's when the fight started...