Gonna need about 20 minutes
What did the fresh egg say to the boiling water when the farmer's wife dropped it in?
Don't expect me to get hard so fast... I just got laid by some chick a minute ago.
What did the fresh egg say to the boiling water when the farmer's wife dropped it in?
Don't expect me to get hard so fast... I just got laid by some chick a minute ago.
A koala bear walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender points to a cute little trick at the end of the bar. So the koala bear walks up to her and in a few minutes they're heading to her place. When they get they're the koala bear immediately goes down on her. After a few minutes he jumps up and splits.
The next night, the woman spots the koala bear at the bar again and confronts him saying: "You owe me money!" "For what?" the koala asks. The woman rolls her eyes and tells him, "I'm a prostitute." The koala bear pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The koala says, "I don't owe you a thing. I'm a koala bear. Look it up." Before she can protest the koala hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "koala bear" and reads, "Koala bear: Eats bush and leaves.”
Three Labrador retrievers - chocolate, yellow, and black - are in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?" The chocolate lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything – the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over
the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
Then the yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending over to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, ‘Nah... just here to get my nails clipped."
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She wasn't happy with what she saw, so she said: "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I told her: "Your eyesight's damn near perfect!"
And that's when the fight started...