A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and says, "Hello. I think I'd like to get to know you better. I'm 48 years old, I've been a Congressman for 10 years and I'm honest."
The girl says, "Nice to meet you. I'm 30 years old. I've been a hooker for 15 years and I'm a virgin."
Last night, I finally realized a longtime fantasy... I came all over my girlfriend's face.
Man, was she pissed when she woke up.
A man and a woman, who are both married to other people, arrive at a hotel at the same time. The clerk tells them there is only one room left... And after an awkward moment they both agree to share it. Although they feel weird at first, they both manage to fall asleep in their separate beds.
After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."
The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"
The man replies, "That would be amazing."
The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own fucking blanket!"
My wife smiled at breakfast this morning and said: "Today is our anniversary darling... what should we do?"
I told her: "Stand in silence for 2 minutes."
And that;s when the fight started...