A man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his dick. A woman asks, "So what are you?" He tells her, "I'm a fireman." "But you're only wearing a glass jar" she replies.
"Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I'll come as fast as I can!"
What do a wife & a condom have in common?
They both spend wayyy more time in your wallet than on your dick.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
My wife caught me measuring my dick and snickered: "So how long is it?"
I told her: "Long enough to reach the back of your sister's throat!"
And that's when the fight started...