My apartment is full of Valentine's cards.
I'm not some kind of stud.
I'm a lazy bastard postman.
A guy was fishing when he caught a magical crocodile. The crocodile spoke: "I am a magical crocodile. If you let me go I will grant you any wish you desire."
The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground."
So the crocodile bit his legs off.
You know why you should never drink diet soda during oral sex?
Because that way you'll have two after-tastes to get rid of.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
