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Dick Jokes

DJoke400X311

The Dick Joke
High art... from a low place.

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What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

A microwave doesn't brown your meat!

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I used to get a hard-on just watching my wife eat a banana.

Now I only get a hard-on if she's choking on it.

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What did the fresh egg say to the boiling water when the farmer's wife dropped it in?

Don't expect me to get hard so fast... I just got laid by some chick a minute ago.

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All Roads Lead to the Bar

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.

Sound Advice For Nature Lovers

What do a grizzly bear and a limp dick have in common?

Don't fuck with them.

Do You Speak English?

A guy is screwing his girl friend in the park one night and they get caught by the local cop. A homeless guy who was living in the bushes was the only witness. On the day in court the couple plead not guilty so the bum has to testify. When asked what he saw he tells the judge: "They was fuckin'!"

The judge quickly admonishes him: "Sir, we don't like to use that kind of foul language in court. Try to describe what you saw in a nicer way or I will have to hold you in contempt!" The homeless guys tries again: "But your honor, they WAS fuckin'!"

"That's disrespect and contempt" said the judge and sentences him to two days in jail! Two days later he calls the homeless man back to the stand and oncee again asks: "What did you see this couple doing on the night in question?" The homeless guy repeats his statement: "I already told you, your Honor, they was fuckin'."

The judge slams down his gavel: "There's that WORD again. Now you get three days in jail!" And the poor guy is dragged off one more time. Three days pass and the homeless guy is back in front of the judge. "I'm going to give you just one more chance. Tell me what those two were doing that night! And do it without any more foul language!"

The bum thinks about it for a minute and finally says: "Your Honor, his pants were below his knees, his ass was flyin' in the breeze, his you-know-what was you-know-where, and if that ain't fuckin' you can gimme the chair."