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Dick Jokes

DJoke400X311

The Dick Joke
High art... from a low place.

Ewwww

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What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

A microwave doesn't brown your meat!

Who Likes Bananas?

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I used to get a hard-on just watching my wife eat a banana.

Now I only get a hard-on if she's choking on it.

Gonna need about 20 minutes

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What did the fresh egg say to the boiling water when the farmer's wife dropped it in?

Don't expect me to get hard so fast... I just got laid by some chick a minute ago.

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Don't Miss These Jokes!

Almost Crapped My Pants!

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work. Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself. Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.

She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost.

He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

Sounds Like My Ex-Wife

What's a necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex?

She just kinda lays there.

Not Quite A Cure

A doctor told his patient her test results came back and she had a rare disease with only 6 months to live.

"That's such a short amount of time." the woman begged, "Isn't there anything I can do?"

"Marry a lawyer," the doctor told her. "It will be the longest six months of your life."