Gonna need about 20 minutes

What did the fresh egg say to the boiling water when the farmer's wife dropped it in?

Don't expect me to get hard so fast... I just got laid by some chick a minute ago.

I don't wanna brag, but my dick is so big, the head has only seen my balls in pictures. Get that ladies?

My wife and I were sitting at breakfast having bacon and eggs. I told her: Darling, you're just like bacon... you look, smell and taste fantastic!"

Thanks she said... before I added: "And your both killing me slowly."

And that's when the fight started...

What do you get when you sleep with a judge?

An honorable discharge.