Every morning the teacher took roll call by having her students stand up and recite a short poem. The first to go sat in the front row and was the teacher's pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan. When I grow up to be a man, I want to go to Japan... if I can, and I think I can."
Next up was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood and answered roll call by reciting, "My name is Suzy. When I become a lady, I would like to have a baby... if I can, and I think I can."
Finally it was Little Johnny's turn, a wise guy who sat way in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a crap about Japan. But I'd sure like to help Suzy with her plan... if I can, and you bet your sweet ass I can!"
Three guys are in a bar discussing which joint in town has the best deal on drinks.
The first guy boasts, "There's a bar on the South Side where the bartender will set up a free drink for every one you buy."
The next guy says, "That's nothing! Over on the West Side there's a bar where the bartender will pour you a double shot free for every one you buy."
The last guy is totally unimpressed and says, "That's nothing. There's a place somewhere on the North Side where the owner buys you drinks all night. Then when the bar closes, he takes you into a back room with a cot makes love to you all night."
The first two guys are shocked but a little skeptical, so they ask if he's actually been there. "Nope," the guys says, "But my sister told me all about it."