A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Just Plain Funny

PlainFunny400X200Not every laugh has to be a dick joke!

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Why do brides wear white?

The dishwasher should match the refrigerator and the stove.

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It's Valentine's day! So ladies, don't you worry about getting me what you got me last year.

I have enough restraining orders already.

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This is going to be the 1st Valentine's Day I was single in almost 10 years. I'm kind of excited...

I just hope the wife feels the same way when she finds out.

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Don't Miss These Jokes!

Sometimes You Just Gotta F*ck It

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. I'll give five hundred bucks to anybody who has an instrument that the octopus can't play."

A guy walks up with a guitar, the octopus takes it, and starts playing like Jimi Hendrix. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits it down, the octopus fumbles with it for a minute, and then he sets it down with a confused look. The guy says, "Hah! You can't play it?"

The octopus looks at him and says, "Play it? As soon as I get its pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it."

Not A Lifesaver

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel all types of objects, smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of candy lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I’ll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It’s something your Mommy probably calls your Daddy all the time."

Instantly, Little Johnny spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit ’em out, you guys, they’re assholes!"

On One Condition

A match asks if he can get into a dance club. The Bouncer says: "You can go in. Just don't start anything."