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Dick Jokes

DJoke400X311

The Dick Joke
High art... from a low place.

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How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?

Wipe your dick on the curtains.

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What do pimps and farmers have in common?

They both need a hoe to stay in business.

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One day two boys were walking through the woods when they came upon some rabbit shit. The first boy asked his friend: "What's that?"

"'They're smart pills," his friend told him. "Eat one and it'll make you smarter." So the boy popped one in his mouth and said: "Yech. This tastes like shit."

"See," said his friend, "you're getting smarter already."

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This Should Cure Him

A lady takes her husband to the doctor's office.

After his check-up, the doctor calls her into his office and says, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, which, combined with stress, will kill him in a few months. What you have to do is, each morning, fix him a nice breakfast, and be pleasant. Make him a nice lunch to take to work, and for dinner, make meals for him you know he'll enjoy. Don't give him too much to do around the house, especially after he's had a hard day. And don't burden him with too many of your problems, because that'll only increase his stress. And most importantly, make love to him a couple of times a week, and try to give him oral sex once a month or so. If you can do this for the next ten months, I think your husband could regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband says, "What did the doctor say?"

She says, "He said you're gonna die."

Getting Off On My Floor?

Two stock brokers are checking out a new secretary.

The first one says, "She's got nothing going on upstairs."

The second one says, "That wouldn't be the floor I'd be getting off on."

Up Or Down?

The other night my wife and I were in bed and I asked her: "Honey, why do you like it so much when you are on top?"

She said: "'Cause all you do is fuck up."

And that's when the fight started...