Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter replied.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
After many years of marriage a husband up and tells his wife he wished she had bigger breasts. "How am I supposed to get bigger breasts?" she asks. "That’s simple." he says, "Just rub them with toilet paper every day." "What the hell is that supposed to do?" his wife shot back.
"Well," answered her husband, "It worked for your ass!"
