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Dick Jokes

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The Dick Joke
High art... from a low place.

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Two young boys at school were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mom. Arriving home that evening, he gave his mom the third degree.

"How old are you, mom?" he asked. "None of your business," replied his mother. "Okay, then how much do you weigh?" "That's not your business either, young man." The boy thinks a minute, then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then, tell me why you and dad got divorced?" Shocked... mom sends junior to bed without any supper.

The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I have the solution!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know."

Later that day, mom finds her son going through her purse with her driver's license in his hand. "Just what do you think you are doing now?" she screams.

"Well, you wouldn't answer any of my questions yesterday," says the junior detective, "so my friend told me all the answers would be right here on your license. See, you're 40 years old... you weigh 145 pounds... and daddy divorced you 'cause you got an 'F' in Sex."

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What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

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One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother, too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex, makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl looks at mom and says, “Well, mommy you're really wasting your time.” The mother is confused so she asks, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl answers, “Because mommy, when you leave for work in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

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Don't Miss These Jokes!

Another Vocabulary Lesson

Teacher to the class: "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

So Little Johnny raises his hand: "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher said looked puzzled but answered: "Of course not Johnny."

To which Little Johnny answered: "Then I have definitely crapped my pants."

There's No Cure

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes out a tissue, gently wipes her nose. Then she suddenly begins to shudder violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure what's going on, so goes back to reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezes again. She grabs a tissue, gently wipes her nose and once again begins to shudder violently.

The man is becoming more and more intrigued with this shuddering thing. A few more minutes pass and sure enough she sneezes yet again. So, out comes a tissue and after a gentle wipe the shuddering starts up.

The man has finally had all he can take. So he turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then you shudder violently! Are you sending me signals or what?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." Now the guy is feeling a little embarrassed but is even more curious. He says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

That Little Prick

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed, "Are those all for me?"

"Just take two," his mom replied. "The rest are for your father."