More Reliable Than A Pulse

How do you know if your wife's dead?

You stick your dick in her mouth and she doesn't turn her head.

What does it mean when they fly the flag at half staff at the post office.

They're hiring.

What's it called when a WWE wrestler ties his opponent's dick in a knot?

A Willie Nelson.

My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.

When I came back she asked what did I get. I told her I got drunk.

And that's when the fight started...