What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A Mechanic.
A guy's in his car with a girl and says, "How about a hand job?"
She says, "What do I have to do?"
He says, "Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it? Just do that."
She grabs it and does it. A few minutes later, he starts screaming. She says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "Take your fucking thumb off the end."
My wife came out of the shower, winked at me and said, "I shaved my pussy! You know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
And that's when the fight started...
A guy asks his grandma, "Have you seen some pills around here? They are labeled LSD?"
His grandma replies, "Fuck your pills, there's a dragon in the kitchen!"
