How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.
I asked my wife what she'd do if I won the lottery. She told me she'd take half and leave me.
So I told her: "Great! I won 10 bucks on a scratch-off this morning. Here's your five, now get the fuck out."
And that's when the fight started...
What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's First Movement.
After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs.
If my wife finds out, she'll fucking kill me.
