Doesn't Always Take Two

What does a woman's asshole do when she has an orgasm?

He's probably home watching football or something.

You ever been by a place and thought "Man, if I went in there, I know I'd get laid." I get that feeling all the time - I live near a prison.

Easy, inexpensive way to get rid of weeds: Put 2 cups of Epsom salt and a 1/4 cup of dish soap in a gallon of vinegar. Shake well.

Then tell your family you're going to mix it in their food if they don't get off their lazy asses and go outside and yank up the goddamned crabgrass.

A guy's in his car with a girl and says, "How about a hand job?"

She says, "What do I have to do?"

He says, "Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it? Just do that."

She grabs it and does it. A few minutes later, he starts screaming. She says, "What's wrong?"

He says, "Take your fucking thumb off the end."