A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Where To Get A Cheap Beer

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Guy walks in to a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says that'll be five bucks.

The guy is outraged. "Five bucks?" he says, "Why down the street the bar only charges a buck. And with every drink you get a lottery ticket to win free sex in the back."

The bartender looks at him and asks: "Did you ever win?" The guy says: "No... but my wife won three times."

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No Monkey Business

A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.

He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid."

The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her, comes over to her to console her.

He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."

At The Restaurant

I took my wife to a restaurant, and the waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah" I told him, "she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...

The Spoils Of War

An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest to make confession. He told the priest, "Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess." said the priest.

"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with sex" continued the old man. The priest thought for a moment then told him, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you both would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found you were hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the bad, and judge you kindly."

"Thanks, Father." said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Say, can I ask one more question?" "Certainly, my son." said the priest. The old man asked him, "Do I need to tell her the war's over?"