Boring!

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me up all night!"

And that's when the fight started...

"Mom I tied the knot."

"Great. Now kick out the chair he's standing on & you're finally rid of the jerk."

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look too big.

I told her not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.

And that's when the fight started...

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be called hell.