What Are You Doing Today?

Old Dick Johnson has some big plans for today, I'm gonna spend Valentines day with my ex...... box 360.

My wife wanted to be a little adventurous. She told me she was up for making a sex tape.

I said, "Great, we should hold auditions for your part."

And that's when the fight started...

A blonde walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

You don't have to vaccinate all your children.

Just the ones you want to keep.