Three blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river. So God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter. So God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all. So God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.
Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train while his dad was cooking dinner. Johnny stops the train at the station and says, "All of you bastards who want to get off, you're here, so get the fuck off. And you dirt bags waiting to board, get your asses on now or we leave without you!"
"Little Johnny!" shouted his father. "I can't believe you are using that kind of language! You should be ashamed of yourself! Go to your room and don't come back until you have thought about what you've done!"
So Little Johnny goes to his room and about an hour later he returns. Once again he starts playing with his toy train, only this time when he comes to the stop at the station he says, "All of you fine ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you've arrived at your destination, you may now exit the train. And all of you nice people who are are waiting to get on, welcome aboard! As for anyone who has a problem with the one hour delay, take it up with the asshole in the kitchen!"
A guy takes a girl out to dinner for their 1st date. She orders shrimp cocktail, filet mignon - medium rare, a loaded baked potato, the vegetable medley, and crème brulee' for desert. Then before the waiter leaves she adds a bottle of expensive wine.
The guy looks at her and says, "Does your mother feed you like that?"
She says, "No... but my mother's not looking to fuck me."
