What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?
A fucking know-it-all.
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
A woman visits the doctor, with bumps and bruises all over her body. She complains that it was her husband who beat her.
The doctor is surprised: "I thought your husband was out of town."
"So did I..."
What's the difference between a conservative and a liberal?
A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.
