What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?
A fucking know-it-all.
How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a "Bingo" sign.
Why were there only two pallbearers at the homeless guy's funeral?
There are only two handles on a garbage can.
I asked my wife what she'd do if I won the lottery. She told me she'd take half and leave me.
So I told her: "Great! I won 10 bucks on a scratch-off this morning. Here's your five, now get the fuck out."
And that's when the fight started...
