Say What?!

A guy says to his new girlfriend: "Why are you always playing with my balls?"

She says: "Because I miss mine."

When do you know you've been married too long?

The only reason you go down on it is because it doesn't talk back.

What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

Forty-five pounds.

Girl texts: "If you're sleeping, send your dreams ... if you're laughing, send your smile."

Boyfriend texts back: "Taking a shit... Please advise."