A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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The New Pet

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A guy is just miserable.  So he decides to cheer himself up and get a pet. At the pet store the owner takes him in to the back and shows him a toothless hamster.

The guy looks at it and says: "That's the ugliest thing I ever saw."

The store owner says: "Maybe so, but it will give you the best blowjob you ever had."

So the guy tries it and it's fantastic. He buys the hamster and heads home.

When he gets there his wife sees the ugly little creature and says: "What the hell is that?"

The guy says: "Never mind. Just teach it to cook and then get the fuck out."

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Faking It

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken.

Who's In Charge Here

The body parts were all arguing about who should be in charge. The heart said: "I pump the blood that keeps us all alive. I should be the boss." The lungs said: "Without us sucking air, we'd all die." And so all the parts... the eyes, the ears, the hands all made their case. Finally the brain said: "I control all of you. That makes me the right choice. I make the decisions... so I'm the boss!"

While the parts were all considering the brain's strong argument, the asshole chimed in: "I'm the most important! I want to be the boss." Whereupon all the body parts laughed in his face.

So the asshole closed up. In a few days the heart pumped slower, it was harder to breathe, the eyes were watering, the hands were weak. Finally all the parts had to agree... the asshole could be in charge.

Which proves that you don't have to have brains to be the boss, you just have to be an asshole.

The Most Important Meal Of The Day

My wife and I were sitting at breakfast having bacon and eggs. I told her: Darling, you're just like bacon... you look, smell and taste fantastic!"

Thanks she said... before I added: "And your both killing me slowly."

And that's when the fight started...