What's the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.
Many people have been asking who I'm voting for in the next election. My answer:
"To tell you the truth, I'm never voting again...Because voting is like marriage, no matter who you choose, it turns out bad."
A doctor examining a little old man tells him, "You're suffering from exhaustion. How often do you have sex?"
The old guy says, "Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
The doc says, "Well, that could be the problem. Maybe you should try eliminating Wednesdays."
The old guy replies, "I can't, Doc. That's the only night I go home."
Why is Santa Claus always so happy?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live
