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Divide and Conquer

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1/3 of women not interested in sex. Me too. The 1/3 from the neck up...meh. From the tits down? I'm in.

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A Matter of Timing

My wife and I were discussing the recent death of a friend. She asked me: "Why do you think men die before their wives?" 

I said: "Because they want to."

And that's when the fight started...

Not The Man Of My Dreams

Mindi and Sylvia go to the zoo. A gorilla breaks out of his cage, grabs Sylvia, throws her down, rips off all her clothes, and fucks her. The zookeeper pulls the gorilla off, and takes poor Sylvia to the hospital.

A few days later, Mindi goes to visit her. She says, "So how you are feeling, Sylvia?"

Sylvia says, "So how should I feel? He doesn't call, he doesn't write..."

Witness For The Prosecution

Returning from a business trip a day early a guy tells his cab driver: "Cabbie, I think my wife's cheating on me. If I give you a hundred bucks, will you come in and be my witness?" The cabbie says, "Sure, pal."

It's after midnight when they enter the house. The husband grabs his gun from the front closet and he and the cabbie tip-toe up the stairs. The husband pushes the bedroom door open, flips on the light and pulls back the blanket. Sure enough he sees his wife and a stranger lying there totally naked.

The husband puts the gun to the naked guy's head when his wife screams: "Stop! Don't do it. I'll confess. I lied to you when I told you I had inherited some money. It was Larry who paid for that red Corvette I gave you. It was Larry who paid for your new bass boat as well, And it was Larry who paid for our country club membership. Larry even pays the monthly club dues and greens fees."

The husband lowers the gun and looks at the cabbie. "What would you do?" he asks.

The cabbie says, "I'd cover Larry's ass with that blanket before he catches cold."