How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
A guy wakes up in the hospital: "Doc, I can't feel my legs!"
Doc: "That's because we amputated your arms."
Last year, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
This year I didn't buy her anything..
When my wife asked me why I didn't buy her mother a gift this year I told her "Hey, she never used the gift I bought her last year!"
And that's when the fight started...
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
