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A Guy At The Bar

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A guy at the bar orders two drinks. He downs one, then pours the other on his left hand.

The bartender asks: "Hey mister... what're you doin'?" "

"Getting my date drunk."

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One For Just About Everything

If a guy and a girl need a marriage license what do lesbians need?

A liquor license.

Either Way It Works

A nun came to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear confession. "Today Father Johnson told me I had the gates of Heaven between my legs, and that he had the Key to Heaven. Then he opened my gates with his key."

"That bastard!" said Mother Superior. "He told me it was Gabriel's trumpet, and I've been blowing it."

Getting Off On My Floor?

Two stock brokers are checking out a new secretary.

The first one says, "She's got nothing going on upstairs."

The second one says, "That wouldn't be the floor I'd be getting off on."