A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Honey, It's For You

Hits: 1968

The phone rings and Mrs. Johnson answers. A voice breathing heavily on the other end says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair."

She replies, "Yeah, he's watching TV. Who should I say is calling?"

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He Oughta Be Hit With That Ruler

My wife caught me measuring my dick and snickered: "So how long is it?"

I told her: "Long enough to reach the back of your sister's throat!"

And that's when the fight started...

Sexting

I woke up this morning with a text that seemed to have been sent to me by accident. It read,

"Hi... be home soon. Love ya, Dave xxx"

Being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have a bit of fun so I texted the guy back:

"Don't bother, I don't love you. You're a son of a bitch and  I've been banging your brother."

I couldn't wait for the reply, then it came:

"You OK mom?"

All Alone On Thanksgiving

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.

“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked.

“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”