Wife walks into the den & asks: "What's on the TV?"
I told her "Dust!"
And that's when the fight started...
A guy is at the funeral home viewing his wife's coffin with a sad look on his face. His friend walks up to comfort him and says: "Don't worry Harry, you'll meet another woman."
"I know," Harry replied, "but what am I going to do tonight?"
My wife and I were discussing babies and she had a thought. "Why do doctors spank newborn babies?"
I told her: "To knock the dicks off the stupid ones."
I woke up this morning with a text that seemed to have been sent to me by accident. It read,
"Hi... be home soon. Love ya, Dave xxx"
Being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have a bit of fun so I texted the guy back:
"Don't bother, I don't love you. You're a son of a bitch and I've been banging your brother."
I couldn't wait for the reply, then it came:
"You OK mom?"