Polar bear walks into a bar, asks for a gin........and tonic. Bartender asks: "Why the long pause?"
Before I left for work my wife told me she wasn't feeling well. I told her: "Don't worry honey, you're not really sick."
She asked: "How do you know?"
I told her: "Because I didn't have to carry you downstairs to make my breakfast."
And that's when the fight started.
Sally: "Let's play house."
Little Johnny: "What do I do?"
Sally: "Communicate your feelings."
Johnny: "How do I do that?"
Sally: "Perfect. You can be the husband!"
What's the difference between a conservative and a liberal?
A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.