What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
Easy, inexpensive way to get rid of weeds: Put 2 cups of Epsom salt and a 1/4 cup of dish soap in a gallon of vinegar. Shake well.
Then tell your family you're going to mix it in their food if they don't get off their lazy asses and go outside and yank up the goddamned crabgrass.
If a guy and a girl need a marriage license what do lesbians need?
A liquor license.
A drunk walking home one night staggers into a tree. He backs up, takes a step, and runs into the tree again.
Two more times he bumps into the tree, then curses: "Great. I shoulda been home 2 hours ago, and here I am lost in the damn forest."
