Guy visits his doctor with a problem "Doc, I don't know what to do about my wife. Every night, she goes to Harry's Bar and picks up men. She's fucking everybody in town and it's driving me crazy. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Take a deep breath, calm down, and then give me the directions to Harry's Bar."
A rabbi and a priest get into a bad car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Look at our cars...there's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God." The priest says, "I agree, this must be a sign from God."
The rabbi says, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, yet this bottle of Manischewitz wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune," and he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest says, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi says, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police."
An old guy and his wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The old gal tells her husband: "Go in the kitchen and get me some ice cream." So the old guy gets up and shuffles off to bring his sweetie a treat. By the time he gets to the kitchen he totally forgets what he's there for. So he opens the fridge, looks around and finally grabs some eggs and bacon. He whips up a quick batch of bacon and eggs and heads back to the den.
When he walks in carrying the plate his wife looks up with a scowl and barks: "You forgot the toast!"
