A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He gets out and goes to look for help. Soon he comes upon a farm. Not believing his luck, he knocks on the door, and a farmer answers.
"Sir," says the salesman. "Could you help me? My car's broken down, and I need a place to stay for the night."
"Sure," says the farmer. "But I only have one bed, and my very, very ugly daughter sleeps there."
"Oh, crap," says the salesman. "I'm in the wrong fucking joke."
Little Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way.
Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearin' your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."
The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards!"
What'd the bi-polar write on the picture postcard?
"Having a wonderful time. Wish I were dead."
The other night I was having sex with my wife when my cell phone rang. I answered it and said: "Can I call you back? I'm in the tub."
And that's when the fight started...